Fat Riker

I found these emails printed off and folded together into a little packet near the back of the notebook.  Someone had written “Could we use these as lyrics?” on the top of the first page.  There were greasy smudges on most of the pages.

—

From: fatriker@gmail.com
To: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
April 13, 2005
Subject: Show on April 16

Fred,

Listen we’ve all managed to get the 16^th off so we need to schedule our show for that day.  Preferably at 8pm so when we’re done some of the other bars in town are still open and we can tie one on, you know?  Also, Keith’s van is in the shop since he ran over that horse, so you’re going to have to provide the amps because they won’t fit in my Camry.

-Will Pearl
Fat Riker

From: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
To: fatriker@gmail.com
April 13, 2005
Subject: Re: Show on April 16

What?  Who is this?

From: fatriker@gmail.com
To: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
April 13, 2005
Subject: Re: Re: Show on April 16

Don’t you even play like that Fred.  This is Will from friggin Fat Riker OK.  Me and a couple of the guys and my ex-girlfriend (now, not at the time) talked to you after that Cracker show two years ago and you said if we ever got a band going we should come and play.
WELL we finally got this band that Keith bought on Ebay and now we’re ready to rock.  You’re our first show ever so I would kind of expect you’d be proud since we’re on the road to stardom.  You should totally hear us, we sound like Hootie and the Blowfish if the blowfish were TIGER SHARKS and Hootie was “Hooters”.  So basically, Hooters and the Tiger Sharks.  That’s Fat Riker in a nut shell.
Boom.

-Will Pearl
FAT RIKER

From: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
To: fatriker@gmail.com
April 13, 2005
Subject: Re: Re: Re:  Show on April 16

Will I’m sorry but I have no idea who you or Fat Riker are.  We keep a busy stage here and this Saturday has been booked for weeks.  How about this?  How about you send me over a few sample MP3s and I’ll listen and we can try and get you as an opener or something in June?

From: fatriker@gmail.com
To: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
April 14, 2005
Subject: Don’t even

ON NO FRED HOW ABOUT THIS ONE

1) We show up on April 16

2) WE PLAY LIKE SMOKEY BEAR EATING SMOKED SALMON WHILE WATCHING SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT

3) You pay us the $750 to get Keith’s van fixed

You’ll be thanking us and begging us to come back.

PS: Seriously it has to be on the 16^th.

PPS: When you put bands up in hotels for the night what kind of per diem on room services are we looking at??

From: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
To: fatriker@gmail.com
April 14, 2005
Subject: Re: Don’t even

Just so you know, I printed that last one off and we passed it around the bar and all had a good laugh.  Seriously.  There were tears of laughter.
Not that it matters, but please enlighten me as to the contents of your $750 show.  If there aren’t laser donkeys I will be sorely disappointed.

PS: Why does it have to be the 16^th?  Because now I just HAVE to know.

From: fatriker@gmail.com
To: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
April 14, 2005
Subject: Re: Re: Don’t even

It has to be the 16^th because we already got the day off from work I said! We all four work at the Canton Arby’s so we’re basically like the entire second shift.  It took a lot of work to get everybody off that one day and Tyler couldn’t even get the day off since he called in two weeks ago so he could stay at home and play video games all day.  Don’t worry, he’s just gonna call in again and claim he’s got the flu.  It’s cool, he’s been fake-coughing for about three days now so I think the Asst. Manager will believe him.
But the show goes like this:
Lights go down.  Fog machine kicks in (I hope you have a fog machine) and a garbled voice comes across the amps.  Eventually you can make it out:
“It is the year 2005! THE FUTURE WAS FIVE YEARS AGO.  Now there is only….THE PAST!”
Little theater of mind going on there.  Anyway, it’s the past now yeah?  This is perfect, because what we’re doing for the music is we’re just gonna play an old Fat Riker album and lip synch along to it.  This is because we don’t have any songs memorized yet.  If you keep the fog machine rolling pretty hard the whole show, people shouldn’t notice that our mouths don’t match the words.
We’ll just let that play through and then afterward you can bring down the house lights and throw some lights on us and Keith wants to do some freestyle soloing on the drums for about 15 and then we’ll split.  You’ll be the talk of Little Rock dude, I guarantee it.

PS: LASER DONKEYS ARENT REAL

From: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
To: fatriker@gmail.com
April 15, 2005
Subject: Wow

There are no words.

From: fatriker@gmail.com
To: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
April 15, 2005
Subject: Re: Wow

Well Tyler’s out.  Turns out the Asst. Manager got scheduled on Sunday instead of Saturday and now the friggin GM is gonna be in on the 16^th instead.  That dude is one tough hombre.  Got a moustache that you could sweep the men’s room with and a list of ex-wives that are always trying to score free Big Montana sandwiches.  I don’t even think we make those anymore.  He doesn’t fall for any of our crap.  One time Tyler was 15 minutes late and the GM made him wax his car after his shift was over.  I mean who does that?
Anyway, we’re still on without Ty but I’ve got a few more requests me and the boys dreamed up.

1) We need a box of Fruit Loops separated out into individual colors and left in bowls in the green room.  We will also need an assistant on hand to remix them should we desire.

2) The audience should be made aware we may decide to remove our pants during the performance.  This helps us to “create”.  (As you know, it is going to be a lipsynched show so there will be no “creating” going on, but we felt we should practice this maneuver for the future.)

3) We get 50% of the bar take for the night.  This is on top of our regular fee, the ticket sales and the hotel room. Sucks for you, but that’s the price you pay for Fat Riker quality.

4) No one can get into the bar named “Karen” because that’s my bitch ex’s name and she might come and start some stuff.  I still owe her like $200 in Everquest monthly fees from a couple years back so she might catch wind of this and show up.  Anyway, it’s not my fault she didn’t notice I had used her credit card for a year and a half.

See you tomorrow!

From: fatriker@gmail.com
To: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
April 15, 2005
Subject: HEY

Been like six hours with no reply.  Gig’s tomorrow dude, hope you got that last email and all our demands.  If those Fruit Loops aren’t there I’m gonna be wretched mad.

-WILL
FAT RIKER (WHO IS PLAYING TOMORROW)

From: fatriker@gmail.com
To: fred.angler@messengersbar.com
April 16, 2005
Subject: Cocks

Gig’s off dude.  Some jack hole ordered onion petals instead of curly fries and I burned the shit out of my hand on the fry machine making them.