Nutracorn Corporation letters – August-September, 1980
NUTRACORN CORPORATION
Date: 8-23-1980
TO: Riker, Fat
FROM: Richards, Tom
Marketing Sub-Manager, Corn Derivatives Division
SUBJECT: Corn Promotional Tour
To the members of Fat Riker, I would like to congratulate you for being selected as Nutracorn’s official spokespersons for the southeastern division of our American promotional tour for our new Corn Derivatives division. The selection process was intense, but in the end you prevailed over a field of nearly half a dozen reasonably qualified candidates. We felt the strength of your local renown in the mid-eastern Tennessee region coupled with your reasonable compensation requirements made you stand far above the rest of the pack. You can be assured; your requested monthly shipment of corn niblets will not be late.
Please be aware we are dispatching two Nutracorn agents to act as your handlers during this tour. They will have all of the finer details regarding the tour stops and show dates. Please show them the same respect you would show any of your fans.
We look forward to hearing reports of your progress throughout the tour. Let’s show the people of marketing regions 4 – 23 what corn derivatives are all about!
TWR;gdl
Dictated But Not Read
NUTRACORN CORPORATION
Date: 8-25-1980
TO: Riker, Fat
FROM: Richards, Tom
Marketing Sub-Manager, Corn Derivatives Division
SUBJECT: Agent Treatment
Misters Fat Riker, I would like to start off by thanking you again for agreeing to be our Southeastern Corn Derivatives Promotional Spokesperson. It is surely a demanding task and we are appreciative of your future hard work in that arena. However, I must write to protest the treatment of your Nutracorn approved handlers.
It is perhaps our fault that we assumed that when you listed the “Fat Riker Cave” as your address, we did not believe it to be an actual cave. We presumed it was some appropriately civilized recording studio or trendy loft. The agents did not expect to have to walk through half a mile of undergrowth after an unpaved road abruptly ended in a corn field five miles outside of town. Though we appreciate your dedication to corn, this was a surprising development. Furthermore, they did not anticipate the gauntlet of homemade booby traps that littered the trail as it passed through a forest. You may be happy to know that Agent Walter’s leg is doing just fine after being wounded by that automated dart launcher.
The agents were appalled at your apparent living conditions in the “Fat Riker Cave”. I have heard reports of stacks of amplifiers half submerged in underground creeks and piles of copper tubing which I shall not speculate about. They were again pleased to see your enthusiasm for corn was not overstated and reported the band seems to be subsisting solely on a diet of hominy and cream corn. The lack of electricity threw them for a loop, as did the extensive underground opossum farming operations.
We at the Nutracorn Corn Derivatives Division must insist you treat our employees with respect while they are in your care. They are cherished members of our team and will be essential to the success of this promotional tour. Agent Anderson will be sent to replace Agent Walter for the duration of the tour. Please deactivate all hazardous security measures and muzzle all suspected rabid opossums before she arrives.
TWR;gdl
Dictated But Not Read
NUTRACORN CORPORATION
Date: 8-29-1980
TO: Riker, Fat
FROM: Richards, Tom
Marketing Sub-Manager, Corn Derivatives Division
SUBJECT: Where Are You?
To all appropriate Fat Riker personnel: please respond as soon as possible. Agent Anderson arrived at the Fat Riker Cave two days ago and reports no contact with you. While she was able to successfully navigate through the onslaught of pit falls, arrow traps and quicksand leading to the cavern, she claims to have not been successful in locating either the band or Agent Phillips. She further reports that the cave seems to have been cleared out of all band equipment save for a few rusty oboes in a pile in the corner. A child, whom she claims speaks no language at all, seems to have been left in charge of the opossum farm but was unhelpful in her search.
These disturbing missives lend further validity to the rumors we are hearing from the Dandridge branch of Nutracorn’s Camping Equipment Division about unapproved promotional shows being hosted late at night in nearby Newport and Parrottsville. If these shows are indeed being performed by Fat Riker, I must implore you to stop. Those towns are well outside of the tour’s pre-planned consumer zones and drop the effective Impact Per Performance (IPP) considerably below the levels we promised marketing this tour would achieve.
Please proceed with all due haste to your first planned tour stop in the Maryville/Alcoa area. We are sending Agent Anderson to rein you in if she can find you.
Tom Richards
Post Script: Please advise how Agent Anderson may remove an infestation of opossums from her car’s backseat.
NUTRACORN CORPORATION
Date: 9-4-1980
TO: Riker, Fat
FROM: Greene, Cliff
Contract Enforcement Officer, Corn Derivatives Division
SUBJECT: Violation of Contract
Misters Riker, please be aware that as of now Nutracorn Corporation considers you in breach of contract. You have missed the first two dates on your schedule while continuing to perform unplanned and unlicensed corn derivative themed shows outside the defined marketing areas.
It is my duty to inform you that your future corn niblet shipments will delayed until such a time that you are considered to be back within contract. This will happen after you have completed at least 51% of the QUALIFYING tour dates as per the schedule presented to you by Agent Phillips. Be aware that the withheld niblet shipments will not accrue interest in corn or other compensation.
Cliff Green
NUTRACORN CORPORATION
Date: 9-8-1980
TO: Riker, Fat
FROM: Richards, Tom
Marketing Sub-Manager, Corn Derivatives Division
SUBJECT: Please Stop
Most gracious members of Fat Riker, I implore you to please stop this madness.
Your errant promotional tour has caused massive fluxuations of corn derivative perceptions both inside and outside of your target area and we are powerless to stop it. Your behavior has caused disturbances as far away as the highly coveted eastern Midwest regions as word has spread amongst the corn processing and distribution industry. Early rumors are already reaching me that Plinky and the Fish, our Ohio area promotional band, have also gone rogue upon hearing of your performances. Not since the failure of the Triple Action Corn Harvester has the industry been in so much turmoil.
I have spoken with Mr. Green, our Contract Enforcement Officer, and he has agreed to reinstate your corn niblet shipment upon completion of a single show from the official schedule. It is my understanding that Agent Phillips has abandoned the Nutracorn cause and joined Fat Riker. We hold no ill will against you for Agent Phillips’ actions, but you will need an untainted liaison for the remainder of the tour. Agent Anderson has disappeared into the wilds of eastern Tennessee during her search for you and we have not heard from her in some time. As such, we will be sending a fourth representative to act as your handler. He or she will meet you at your scheduled show on the 12th in Chattanooga.
Please, please be there.
Tom Richards