Fat Riker

The following are selected emails from a reporter with the Little Rock Tribune. It seems that during May of 2005 the newspaper attempted to “embed” a reporter with a local band, namely Fat Riker, to produce a gonzo piece about life on the road. These are daily letters sent back home from the reporter, Daniel Springs, updating his editor on the progress of the piece.

These letters are dated roughly a month after the emails in this entry.

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To: “Hugh Wellington, Editor” <hwellington@littlerocktribune.com>
From: “Daniel Springs, Lifestyle Reporter” <dsprings@littlerocktribune.com>
May 18, 2005
Subject: Day 12, Embedded with Fat Riker

Good news Chief, we finally got all of the macaroni out of the alternator in the van! This means we can finally finish the last leg of the trip up to Cave City. We’ll be four days late for the gig at this point, but maybe the bar can work the guys in between some other bands or something.

These last few days in Pleasant Grove have been anything but pleasant. It’s been hell out here ever since I received that communiqué from corporate denying additional funds to make repairs to the van. I still think that was a mistake: this is a company van on company business. Yes, I realize the damage to the alternator was due to me allowing the band to cook dinner over the heat of the engine, but I still feel a bit abandoned. These guys work at Arby’s for goodness sake! I assumed they knew how to prepare a meal.

Anyway, things didn’t turn out too badly in the end because we were finally able to rope some locals into helping us tear the engine down to clean it out. The Davidson family was getting sick of the van being parked in the middle of their okra patch and sent their teenage nephew over to help us get it moving again. I think the kid’s taking shop in high school because he’s pretty good at this stuff. He was a big help when we had to flush all the cheese powder from the brake lines.

The band was thinking about adding him on as a roadie/technician/fry cook. Think the paper can foot the bill for a salary for this kid?

To: “Hugh Wellington, Editor” <hwellington@littlerocktribune.com>
From: “Daniel Springs, Lifestyle Reporter” <dsprings@littlerocktribune.com>
May 19, 2005
Subject: Day 13, Embedded with Fat Riker

As per the rather harsh emails from both the legal and accounting departments, we have decided not to hire Ricky Davidson and are pressing on without him. It may be for the best actually, the van’s speed seems to be topped off at roughly 27 miles per hour now. The band had asked the kid to try and make the engine more “cooking friendly” after the last disaster, and he seems to have retrofitted the radiator to accept vegetable oil. I think he may have assumed it would work as a deep fryer in a pinch, as it hisses and starts to smell like onion rings whenever we shift into second gear.

Anyway, the article is coming along pretty well. Will and I had a sit down this morning and I grilled him pretty hard on the show schedule and the band’s creative direction. He didn’t have a lot of hard info for me, but he’s a creative type so that doesn’t necessarily mean much. They’re pretty cagey in Fat Riker sometimes. Like when I ask them when they’re going to pay me back all the gas money they owe me. It’s always smoke and mirrors; games within games. Good stuff really. I can tell I’m dealing with professionals.

Anyway, we’re stuck just south of Batesville on the other side of the lake right now. It was a rough three hour drive with the van tooling along like it is, but I was hoping we’d make it a little farther today than we did.  Unfortunately, it turns out the band has a superstition about crossing bodies of water on Thursdays and won’t go on. We’re gonna camp out in Kennedy Park since it’s right next to the bridge and the band says the nearby trees are good for acoustics. Makes sense, I guess. I’m not a musician so I don’t really know.

To: “Hugh Wellington, Editor” <hwellington@littlerocktribune.com>
From: “Daniel Springs, Lifestyle Reporter” <dsprings@littlerocktribune.com>
May 20, 2005
Subject: Day 14, Embedded with Fat Riker

After finally getting across Lake Unico, we made a mad rush toward Cave City, with only a couple of small detours on the way. The guys tried to score some free Big Montanas from the local Arby’s (I don’t even think they make those anymore), but it didn’t work. Apparently the guys’ regional manager put the word out about them going AWOL from their shifts and put the nix on all free sandwiches for them within the state. Luckily, the sauce station guy was sympathetic to the cause and helped them sneak out a bag of frozen curly fries.

We stopped to cook them in the radiator/deep fryer and Will burned the crap out of his hand. Plus, the fries tasted weird and made me sleepy. Still, we fried them all up because there was no way they were going to stay frozen and we needed to do something with them. Careful not to get them in any vital engine components, we stashed them back in their bag and wedged them under the hood to keep them warm.

Afterward the engine kept overheating whenever we would get the van over 20 MPH. I think we probably missed a few fries and they were clogging up the coolant system here and there. The guys said that curly fries can get really gummy when they’re overcooked, so they might be stuck in there for good. I’m starting to wish we had brought Ricky along after all, this deep fryer is his baby and I feel like we’re flying blind without him along.

I was really hoping we’d make it to Cave City today, but with all the stops and the problems with the band, we only made it north of Batesville before having to pull over for the night. I was hoping we’d press on, but the van now constantly emanates a savory, deep fried smell and the band was worried we’d attract coyotes if we were outside of city limits at night.

We’re currently stopped outside the Western Sizzlin’ Steak House near the industrial park. I keep seeing signs for the University of Arkansas so I think that’s pretty close. I was hoping the guys might try and make it over there and try to rustle up a show for some college kids, but they don’t seem too interested. The double-stuffed loaded baked potatoes at the Western Sizzlin’ have their entire attention at the moment.

To: “Hugh Wellington, Editor” <hwellington@littlerocktribune.com>
From: “Daniel Springs, Lifestyle Reporter” <dsprings@littlerocktribune.com>
May 21, 2005
Subject: Day 15, Embedded with Fat Riker

It seems the concerns about the van attracting coyotes were not far off from the truth. During the middle of the night, we were awakened by the sounds of growling and chewing. It seems a pack of stray dogs had been attracted to the scent of our fryer and were attacking the engine viciously to get at its innards. Unfortunately, we had left the hood open to let the coolant system air out, which left us vulnerable to animals.

The pack seemed a wild and unruly bunch and we stayed safely hidden inside the van until they dispersed at sunup. When we got out to inspect the damage, it looked pretty bad. The radiator had been ripped out and dragged halfway across the parking lot. Various hoses and tubes hung out of the engine, each leaking rancid vegetable oil. Needless to say, the van would not crank.

I tried again to get the guys to try their luck at the university, but none were willing to carry their instruments the nearly one and a half miles to campus. So I don’t think they’ll be able to chip in for repairs.

I am including a requisition form for funds to repair the van. Surely a wild animal attack falls under our insurance’s “Act of God” clause. Apart from the deep fryer thing, I believe it was totally unavoidable.